| My mom knows about my ED but she doesn't really seem to understand it. However she's the only person that I ever feel ok eating with. Usually when I'm out at resturants, I have mini-panic attacks. I feel like everyone is staring at me. And thinking, " oh she's so fat, why is she eating that " I know it's only in my head. But it's hard to control it. My therapist told me that my bulimia is related with " borderline personality disorder. " I think bulimia started when I was when my parents left me to live with my relatives. I felt alone and that everything in my life was spinning out of control. I had to move to a new different state. My dad's alcoholism was getting so much worse, he would get drunk and cut himself with the broken liquor bottles. Bulimia just gave me something to focus on, a way to cope. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and get help when I was younger. I kept thinking, " I'll get better, this is just a phase."
Bulimia made me insanely suicidal, my whole life was just so chaotic. I had such a stressful job while trying to juggle school, and my parents would fight constantly, even physically. No matter how much I begged my mom to divorce my dad. She said, " No I want you to have a father. " So I felt everything was my fault, so cutting and bulimia went in pilot mode. I ended up in the hospital and my dad realize how I couldn't handle it anymore. I damaged my liver pretty bad and with bulimia it weaken my heart. I was hooked up to an IV and heart machine for a few weaks. When I got out of the hospital, I went on a crazy binge. For all that time when I couldn't eat, couldn't drink. I went and ate and ate and ate. Now I'm fat again, I gained so much weight. I can't fit in most of my clothing and I'm falling into a relasp. |
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